


Darkness Visible

by thesecretarchivist



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5736691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecretarchivist/pseuds/thesecretarchivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He struggled to keep his focus, but the effort was in vain.<br/>The energy outside his door could not be mistaken.<br/>Infuriating calmness.<br/>Petty ambition.<br/>Hux.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Done! Last chapter is up, yay! 
> 
> This goes from rather dark to warm-fuzzy to dark with hope on the horizon. Please note that I did not use tags on this, so there may be some disturbing plot-elements that have not been marked. Therefore, as always, proceed with caution.

The black walls of his chamber had a matte sheen to them.

For a moment, he imagined seeing himself there, darkly reflected, and when he closed his eyes he received a clear image in his mind's eye. It was a distraction, pathetic vanity, but he gave in to it with gratifying guilt.

In his mind, he was glorious.

He had earned it, too. He had earned the insignia of his order, and the power of the mask. He paid for it, with never-ending pain. With those parts of his mind, of his self, he dared not go to, lest the horror of it swallow him whole. There were things he kept buried, things he had done and forgot, because drawing on them, even for power, was beyond him. _Yet_.

He revelled in this curious fear, this fear of his hidden self. Kneeling on the floor, he imagined darkness swirling around him, darkness visible, filling the room like an extension of himself, magnifying his powers. There were orders he had given he could not repeat in daylight, but then, he had chosen to walk in the dark.

_This is what I am._

And the journey was not concluded, there were promises still ahead.

_This is what I will be._

_Everything._

He closed his eyes inside the mask, basking in the anticipation of _omnipotence_.

Well, that's what it was. That's how it felt.

It was weirdly sexual, too.

He wouldn't admit to it, of course. Did not think of it that way. And then again –

His breath hit the confines of his mask.

He felt powerful, irresistible, capable, desirable even – _desirable_ -

 _No, not that. Not that_.

It was hazardous to let his conscious mind interfere. Once he started giving words to his feelings, they tended to change, morph into something different, drift off into spheres where he suspected pleasure, and pleasure, as such, was not a safe path to the dark side. Pleasure weakened him, even the thought of it took the edge off his raw need. And need was good.

At that moment, when he felt himself balancing on a narrow ridge, dreading his meditation might veer off in an entirely wrong direction, he sensed someone outside his chamber.

He struggled to keep his focus, but the effort was in vain.

The energy outside his door could not be mistaken.

Infuriating calmness.

Petty ambition.

_Hux._

Kylo Ren congratulated himself on the efficiency of his meditation technique when he managed not to fly off the handle as the door gave an insistent _beep_.

_That man has some gall._

He had hated Hux from the very beginning, from the first time Snoke had forced him to indulge that wretched bureaucrat with a semblance of civility. Hux _junior_ , industrious son of an industrious father. He had imagined, almost instantly after learning of Hux's family connections, Academy commandant Hux praising his son on his latest promotion. Ren knew nothing, really, about the Huxes, but this fantasy alone sent his hatred flaring into infinity.

Need was good. Hatred was _infinitely better_.

He let his attention center on the locking mechanism, and took a deep breath as the door slid open with a hiss.

He did not bother to stand. Nor did he turn around to his visitor.

"Kylo Ren", Hux said. "Not interrupting anything, am I?"

There was a slur to his consonants that was not usually there, a slight imprecision that a casual observer might have missed. Ren blinked, and sensed it. The pathetic individual had been drinking. Of course, that's what the officers did at the change of the watch. There was, after all, not much else to do aboard ship.

"Lord Ren?"

Kylo Ren raised himself from the floor, smoothly, and turned his head. Hux looked at him, and Ren knew he could see nothing but the shroud of the mask. There was a certain unease behind the man's schooled expression, carefully hidden, but still there. _Good_.

"You are imposing on my time, General."

"I do apologize." Hux did not sound as though he meant it. "I will take a seat, if you don't mind." He looked around. Noticed the single chair in Ren's chamber. Not much else there. "I can see you have made yourself comfortable."

"I do not require comfort. Sit, if you must."

Hux sat and crossed his legs. His boots rubbed against each other with a squeak. _Conceited twit_.

"What is your obsession, Kylo Ren?"

"I beg your pardon?"

The general gave him a slight smile. "What is your obsession?", he repeated.

"There is no such thing." That was a blatant lie, but Ren felt safe enough. A drunken man who asks that kind of question wants to talk about himself first and foremost. He leaned one shoulder against the wall. "What's yours, General?"

The man's eyes lit up with alcohol-fueled eagerness.

"Let me describe it to you", he said. "I am trapped - inside the event horizon, as it were. I am falling – _no,_ I am _drawn_ , like one is drawn into a dark star. I'm drawn to _you_ , Lord Ren, like, like -"

"You are comparing me to a black hole?"

"I am comparing you to – I don't know. Gravity. A deformation in spacetime. Pulling me in."

"A deformation. That is poetic."

"Gravity, I said."

There could be no harm, really, in listening to this. The man was making a fool of himself, and his thinly veiled admiration was tickling Ren's vanity. He found himself amused, a little flattered even. It would be priceless to face Hux the next day, flushed, on the bridge of his shiny ship.

"So you spent some time in the mess hall recently. Socialising."

"You _might_ call it that."

"Drinking."

"As is customary. Boosts the morale."

"Of course."

"You do not drink?"

"I put my mind to different uses."

"You do not take it off at all, do you." Hux's voice had suddenly gone soft. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "Do you?"

Ren fought back the impulse to force-push that creature against the wall, chair included. Hux used his chance to prattle on.

"I have been imagining you, Lord Ren, a thousand times over. I cannot stop wondering, I cannot sleep. I have had – horrible dreams. Nothing you could show me – nothing you _are_ can be worse than what I imagined. Or maybe it is, maybe you are my nightmare, but I don't mind. There is only one thing I cannot bear, and that is seeing you in that mask. That mask is my undoing."

To this last remark, strangely, Ren could relate.

_The fearsome mask of a Knight of Ren._

In the beginning, he had resented wearing it.

It had seemed, then, as an exercise in humility, and humility did not come easy to Kylo Ren. He had been wrong, though, very wrong. The mask did not aim to subjugate him, the mask _elevated_ him, set him apart and _above_. It became part of him, it made him more, not less. Rarely now did he feel he was missing something. Missing a face.

 _My face_.

He would reach out to Lord Vader when that feeling struck, Darth Vader, patron saint of the defective. And feel himself scolded, harshly, for he was not defective, only weak. He suffered, then, from his grandfather's disregard, real or imagined, agreeing wholeheartedly that Kylo Ren was _nothing_ , neither light nor dark, just weak and stumbling on the edge of failure. His shameless tears would collect where the mask closed tight against his neck, and dry unseen.

"What do you know of coming undone. _Nothing at all_."

Hux stood, took a step forward, cautiously. "We're on the same side", he said. "I'm your ally, not your enemy."

"Yes. I'm sure you are."

The mask weighed heavy, now. In truth, Ren would have taken the thing off by then had he been alone, to get some rest. There was no harm, surely, in Hux's meaningless presence. He only wished he could present the General with some horrible disfigurement, to see the man struggle for composure, to send his imagination wild with fantasies of violence and suffering.

Then he just reached for the seals at his neck. Unlatched the mask, and with a simple gesture, lifted it.

He had not imagined the general backing off to the door, fumbling blindly for the lock to let himself out - without a word.

 


	2. Chapter 2

In a state of shock, the human brain focuses on immediate survival, shutting down unnecessary functions. Right now, Hux's brain was doing just that. _Fight or flight_. In his case: _walk_. As soon as he had made it out of Kylo Ren's quarters, he found himself walking briskly down the corridor of his ship, one step after the other. To the left, incidentally, for no particular reason. The corridor was empty and led him to an elevator, which was momentarily puzzling. Then his brain made him push a button to open the doors.

Hux stepped inside, calming as the doors slid shut behind him.

"Mess hall", he said.

He flinched at the sound of the computer voice: "To reach the mess hall, select deck 3 and continue to elevator 1D."

"Deck 3", he barked.

The thing started moving.

A word popped into Hux's mind.

When the doors opened on deck 3 he had to stop himself from humming under his breath.

Unfortunately, as he made his way towards elevator 1D, Captain Phasma passed him with a detachment of troopers. She gave Hux, who was mumbling to himself, an inquisitive look. Doubled back and saluted.

"General?"

Hux shook his head, staring somewhere ahead. "Beautiful", he said. He sounded incredulous.

Phasma followed his gaze, and since, at that precise moment, Lieutenant Mitaka had turned around the corner, she inclined her helmet at a curious angle when she looked back at Hux.

"Well", she said, "thanks for pointing it out."

"One might say handsome", Hux told himself, "but I call it _beautiful_." He tried the word in his mouth. It tasted unfamiliar.

" _Sir?_ "

That was Phasma's command voice, and it was loud. Hux's brain snapped to attention.

"What? - Ah, Captain Phasma! Good evening to you. Will you excuse me, please."

He gave her a curt nod and continued to the elevator. Stepped into it and tried to remember where he had wanted to go.

The thought came to him, then, to go up to the bridge and look at the stars, or rather at the planet the ship was orbiting. It was a fanciful idea, but still, it might be good in some way to go look at – whatever the planet's name was. Not a proper name, Hux remembered, only a random number. And besides, that was the sort of thing Lord Ren would do, standing on the bridge to literally stare off into space.

 _Kylo Ren_.

Hux put his hands to his face and suddenly, a shiver rolled over him that almost felt like fear.

"Mess hall", he said softly.

 

The smell of alcohol wafted out as the doors of the officer's mess opened and closed. It was definitely a very bad idea to go in and have another drink, because Hux had been drinking earlier, and felt – well, _confused_ even now. He went in all the same, avoided to look at anyone and stood at the bar.

"Brandy, please."

"Corellian, sir?"

"Make it a double."

He put it away and ordered another.

And another.

Stared at the drink and noticed its colour. From the shelf behind the bar, faint blue light painted reflexes on the auburn liquid.

 _Beautiful_ , _indeed_.

There was that word again, and now, with his brain thoroughly soaked, he remembered where it came from.

He had imagined a monster behind that mask.

A feral, twisted thing, deformed, unreal, part of that strange realm where force-users dwelt. He had known, of course, that Ren was human by birth. He had felt, on the bridge of this very ship, the warmth of Ren's body when he walked up to him, too close for comfort. Sometimes, before Supreme Leader Snoke, they had been so close that their shoulders had touched, their hands even, and Hux had registered how Ren did not flinch, did not break contact, wondering why. And then again, he had seen the man kill, had watched Phasma's battle report in his chamber with horrified fascination, setting the holovid on repeat. He had been certain, then, that this was not a human being.

Beyond embarassment, Hux closed his eyes.

Tried to remember Ren's pale, handsome, _beautiful_ face, his dark hair, his shining eyes. He could not remember the man's lips, not at all. They would be soft to his touch, parting easily for his gloved fingers, and he imagined pushing two fingers into Ren's mouth, digging his other hand into long, dark hair.

Had he not talked to Ren about the stars?

About gravity, and a black hole?

About falling, endlessly falling –

"Anything else, sir?"

Hux blinked.

The barkeeper looked at him. "Can I get you anything?"

Hux raised himself up on his elbows. He had been slumped over the bar, which was clearly inappropriate. He needed to find himself a seat.

And get another drink.

"I can recommend one of our beers. Trelonian Ale?"

Hux nodded vaguely and stalked to a table in the corner that had a big, leather armchair next to it.

"What's the time?", he asked as the barkeeper brought over his glass. He sipped from the ale, it was awful.

The man looked at his timepiece. "Zero three twenty-seven", he said.

Hux pondered this. "Can you get me a cup of coffee?"

"Of course, sir."

He leaned back into the chair and fell asleep almost immediately.

 

When he woke up, someone next to him was coughing pointedly.

Hux opened his eyes, sat up straight and looked into the face of his aide. _Lieutenant Terius_.

The Lieutenant was neat, ambitious, and insanely loyal. Sometimes, this was unsettling.

"Colonel Kolzaar asked for you", Terius said. "Something came up."

Hux gulped down the coffee in front of him. It was stone cold, but never mind.

"What kind of something? A hull breach? Enemy fire? Orders from the Supreme Leader?"

"None of that, sir."

He tensed. "Anything involving Lord Ren?"

"Ah – no. Not at all. Colonel Kolzaar said there was some malfunction in the sanitation –"

Terius fell silent when he saw Hux's face. Hux chose his words carefully, taking pride in the fact that they came out crisp and clear.

"Lieutenant. Kindly inform the Colonel that I currently do not have time for this kind of - _micromanagement_. Should he disagree, we have any number of droids around that would perfectly fill his position. You may quote me on that. Not that last part, of course."

"Yes, sir."

"Should anything _real_ come up, I'll be on my round."

Hux pushed himself out of the chair and stretched discreetly. His eyes were stinging with dryness. His neck felt - _twisted_.

"By the way, Lord Ren is not currently on the bridge, is he?"

"No, sir. He may be in hangar 3, though. I noticed a damage report earlier."

 _Smart boy_.

"I'll check on that. Thank you, Lieutenant."

The young man positively _beamed_ at Hux, before he saluted and turned on his heel.

Unsettling, that.

 

The damage in hangar 3 turned out to be a shattered console.

Right next to it on the ground lay a repair droid, smashed to pieces. The pieces were smoking. A single bit, Hux noticed, was still twitching desperately. No one had ventured to clear up either the console or the droid.

Because there, out on the landing platform, Kylo Ren was practising his lightsaber skills.

Behind him, beyond the magnetic shield, there was only the vastness of space.

Hux stopped and stared, transfixed, as the hum of the weapon filled the silent hall. That and the unstable flicker of the crimson blade, giving the impression of fire trapped in the shape of a sword, fighting its constraints. Lord Ren, clearly, was not intimidated by its power.

He gave no sign whether he had noticed Hux's presence, and Hux considered this an invitation. Or, in view of the mangled droid, at least a non-aggression pact.

Hux knew this type of exercise.

In some techniques, they called them _kata_. Hux had no idea what force-users called them, he only knew that what Ren was doing looked magnificent. Graceful and deadly, as he brought his saber up and around, down and across, time and again. A kind of serenity flowed from this fierce display of strength, and Hux sank into it like into trance.

 

He jerked out of his contemplation when Ren strode up to him, lightsaber flaring by his side. It was a relief when the weapon was extinguished and tucked into Ren's belt.

"Observing the stars, General?"

The man's voice was hollow, mechanical behind his mask. Still, Hux imagined to hear the tiniest bit of amusement.

"Yes", he said simply. "Do you mind?"

Ren shifted his weight.

Then he flicked his wrist and force-pushed Hux against the nearest obstacle, which turned out to be the far wall. Hux hit it, hard.

"You stay. Right there."

Hux stared at him, speechless, unable to move, unsure whether this was a force trick or all his bones had just been crushed inside his body.

Ren walked up to him, stopping at arm's length.

"You like to _look at me_? Is that it, really?"

Hux took a shaking breath and Ren leaned in, not waiting for an answer.

"All that petty discipline", he said, "gloves and boots and not a hair out of place. All pride, and rank, and hierarchy. And yet you come here _pining_. Admiring. Revering. Why?"

"I did not mean to insult you, Lord Ren. I swear –"

"Oh, I know that. I _know_." He reached out, touching Hux's cheek with a single teasing finger. "But then, I'm not a star for you to gaze at, and I won't be the damsel in your tale. If you must have a fairy story, I'd rather be the beast."

"Anything", whispered Hux, his breath foggy against Ren's mask. _Just take that off_ , _and let me see your face_.

He gave a yelp when Ren's hand brushed casually between his legs.

"Seems to me", said Kylo Ren, "the damsel has ginger hair." He withdrew his hand. Turned aside for a moment, before he looked at Hux again. "Some other time, General. Some other place."

And swept out of the docking bay with billowing robes.


	3. Chapter 3

_What a ridiculous fantasy._

There was clearly some tale, some fantasy running in the general's mind that fed off ridiculous concepts like _beauty_ and _sweeping robes_ and it was just _absurd_.

It was even more absurd that Ren had let himself be drawn into this and had – there was no denying it, he had actually played along. He had played along because underneath the general's fanciful ideas there was this undercurrent of _need_ , a need that was so raw and sexual in nature that Ren had been caught off guard by it.

He was not attracted to weakness.

He was not interested in frivolous exchanges of any kind.

He had been honest in one thing, and that was his regret for Hux's beautiful discipline going to waste, a well-groomed severity that Ren found strangely intriguing. What a shame, for all the general's tiresome arrogance, that a man like this would forgo the possibilities – _oh, the possibilities_ –

Ren surprised himself with a mental image of General Hux, sleek elegance from his cap to his shiny boots, lips curled in his customary sneer. It made him wonder, for a moment, if he would have preferred to slap the annoying smugness out of the man's face, or else let himself be pushed to his knees by the general's gloved hand, _ah yes_ , Hux's gloved hand tightening its grip on Ren's neck, holding him down to -

 _No way_.

 _No fucking way_.

Whatever he might have said to Hux, this thing would not continue.

Whatever it was.

 _Could have been_.

_Not._

When he closed his eyes, though, he could just feel Hux's cock twitch under the casual stroke of his hand.

 

Snoke _knew_.

There was not much for him to know yet but he _did_ , Ren felt it. Felt it beneath the Supreme Leaders uncanny calmness as he stood there, gazing up at the towering presence of Snoke's hologram.

Trying to just _be_ , to open himself up to this as he was wont to do.

"You are closing your mind to me, Lord Ren."

"Forgive me, master. I am not."

He meant it, too. Without the mask, he felt almost transparent before Snoke.

The Supreme Leader drew back his head. "Ah, but there has been a change in you. It shows in your body, the very balance of your tiniest particles has been affected. I wonder what kind of exercise brought this about."

"There is no exercise you do not know about, my master."

"No?"

The Supreme Leaders large, sinuous hands moved as beings of their own. They seemed to be mocking him.

"Observe", Snoke said, "that I do not need to see your thoughts on this. Nor do I want to, Lord Ren. It is up to you to learn and grow. It is your decision what to purge from your mind and what to keep. I know you will choose wisely."

"Yes, master." Ren looked up, into huge eyes of a watery blue. There was an eerie feeling in his stomach, not fear, nor unease, but something less than trust. It startled him.

" _Yes_." Snoke extended a holographic hand, and his unseen push gently guided Ren's head towards the ground, until he found himself on his knees, his forehead touching on icy stone. "Let us meditate on this."

It had been his blessing and his joy to dwell in the Supreme Leader's Presence, to channel the calm, collected energy Snoke bestowed upon him, space and distance notwithstanding.

_Would that I walked in the dark, my master, and never lost my bearings._

_Would it pervaded me inside and out._

It was so much easier here, where he could feel his master guiding him, giving him purpose, a center and a core.

_A blessed well of darkness._

And yet, as he knelt before the raised dais, his thoughts were less and less on the blessings of the dark side, but on the cold that seeped into him. He could not determine whether it came from Snoke, dealt out as subtle chastisement, or from his own body, dressed though he was in cloak and hood. No way to determine how long he had stayed like this, scrutinizing his own mind, losing track of time as the cold crept into his very bones.

Finally, as he rose at Snoke's command, the strain in his muscles became his strength. He transformed it, turning it into an iron rod that held him up, back and neck straight. Not trembling once.

Snoke watched him from the depths of those unfathomable eyes.

"Your mission, Lord Ren, is finding Skywalker. Do not stray."

Kylo Ren bowed.

As he put on his helmet and mask, he felt protected inside.

 _Warm_.

He licked his lips. They were stiff with cold.

 

"Lord Ren!"

The man had been waylaying him, right outside his quarters. A face that Ren had seen before, hovering around General Hux.

"Lieutenant Terius, sir. I am aide to –"

"What is it?"

The lieutenant's eyes darted across Ren's mask, seeking to determine what he was up against.

"There has been an order, Lord Ren, to change our course. The general would see you on the bridge, if you –"

"An order from Leader Snoke? _When_?"

"I don't know, sir. I apologize."

 

Bridge staff scattered discreetly as Kylo Ren strode towards where Hux was standing at his vantage point in front of the transparisteel window. At least, Ren noted, the look on Hux's face was not _guilty_. Apprehensive, yes, but that was to be expected.

"When did he give you that order?"

Hux stood his ground, though, not moving an inch, just staring, then - "What?"

"The Supreme Leader", shouted Ren. " _When_ did he give you that order?"

"With all due respect, Lord Ren, you will not shout at me on the bridge of my own ship."

It took Ren all he had not to choke the man on the spot. His right hand curled into a fist. "I have not been informed about this, General. Why?"

Hux's voice was steel. "Well, I'm informing you right now. I would have done so earlier had you not been in private conversation with the Supreme Leader all day."

"All morning", Ren corrected automatically.

_He spoke to Hux, before he spoke to me._

Hux turned away, looking to the left at a console where Lieutenant Terius was presently very, very busy inspecting figures on a screen.

"The Supreme Leader called for me this morning, Lord Ren. We are to plot a course to Alaris 3 to rendezvous with an individual who may be able to report on the whereabouts of Skywalker. We shall be on our way as soon as we have finished resupply. That is all the information I have."

_He spoke to Hux before he spoke to me._

"I see." It was not Hux's fault. It made Ren sick to his stomach to acknowledge this.

Hux's voice softened a little. "And by the by, it is past 2200 hours. You were with him all day." He looked right into Ren's eyes, mask or no.

The bridge dissolved into a blur as Ren spun around on his way out.

 

_Child._

He was in the assembly room, and there was only Snoke's head, disembodied, floating like a spectre. The Supreme Leader did not speak, but his words filled Ren's mind.

_You are a child._

He was fighting, fighting the meaning behind those words, feeling truth and half-truth and spitefulness in them.

Snoke looked down at him, his holographic image hugely projected.

And then, suddenly, grey matter spilled out from the scar in Snoke's head as it burst open, ripping his skull apart and Ren woke, heart beating uncontrollably.

_My master._

He climbed out of bed and went into the refresher to put his head under the tap. The strangest thought came to him.

He needed to see Hux.

No. He _wanted_ to.

 

There was an unmistakebly alarmed look on Hux's face as he opened his door.

"Lord Ren? What happened?"

The general was standing in the open door, dressing gown over perfectly pressed light-blue pajamas. It made Ren smile under his mask.

"I woke you up."

"So it would seem. Will you come in?"

"It is – it has nothing to do with our argument."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Hux stepped aside. Ren had never troubled the general in his private quarters before, and as he walked in he did it with the slightest feeling of hesitance. There was a workplace in one corner, a tabletop unit, papers neatly piled next to it. And other things, too. _Private things_.

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Talk to me, then."

Ren reached for the fastenings of his helmet and unlatched it. Hux, startled, looked at him for a mere second, then turned away as he continued to the next room, calling over his shoulder. "You don't mind if I pour myself a drink?"

"Not at all." Ren dropped his helmet on the floor.

There was a sofa in the middle of the room and a low table with – _interesting_ – an actual paper book on it. There was a door leading to some other room. There was -

"Now are you going to tell me what this is about?"

The general stood on the threshold, glass in hand. His eyes flickered to Ren's mouth, and back to his eyes.

"Put it down."

Hux frowned. Then he set the glass down on a shelf. "So?"

"Look at me." It felt like an obscene request, it made Ren's mouth go dry.

"Very well."

"Does it satisfy your fancies?"

Hux shook his head, breathing hard. "No", he said. "This is just you."

Then he crossed the space between them, easily, _absurdly_ in his leather slippers. Reached out and cupped Ren's face in his hands.

To look at him again.

Ren could bear it for the best part of a second.

"Don't do that to me." His voice cracked somewhere on the way.

"Why not?"

Hux's hands were warm and gentle, but Ren felt scorched by his touch, no, _skinned_ , perhaps by his gaze. He closed his eyes, but it hardly made a difference.

"You're hurting me."

Hux's hands moved, lightly touching his neck on either side. "Not true."

Ren licked his lips. It was hard to open his eyes again and look at the man. _Green eyes_ , _shimmering like marbles_. "You're presumptuous."

"No, I'm not." Hux let his hands slide down to rest against Ren's chest. "I'm just glad you came. No matter why."

There was something Ren would have liked to say, but it got lost when a wave of pain washed through him, leaving him trembling.

Then he leaned forward to kiss Hux on the mouth.

It was not painful at all, and tasted like the sweetest thing.

 _And whiskey_.

 


	4. Chapter 4

_The tenderness of it._

Infinite tenderness in Ren's kiss, a gentle caress that did not make sense to Hux at all and blew him away at the same time. Ren's hair touching his face, feathery, as soft as the kiss itself, and Hux did nothing, nothing, afraid to disturb the moment that had brought about this wondrous thing. Only after a while did his arms find their way around Ren's hips, resting below his broad belt on the rough fabric of Ren's dark robe and Hux became aware just how _undressed_ he was in his pajamas, unguarded, unshielded, utterly bared. Which did not make sense, either, because Ren could do anything to him should he so choose, protective clothing or no, and Hux had to admit that the thought of being at someone's mercy for a change held a strange fascination.

Even if that someone was Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren, the man presently licking the sweetest trail of kisses along Hux's upper lip, eyes closed, hands touching Hux's arms for support.

Now _kissing_ in and of itself was not something Hux was overly familiar with. For the men and women he'd had some kind of – exchange? - encounter? - _sex_ with, kissing had never been a priority. It had not been that important to him, either. On the contrary, it had always seemed a little exaggerated, too intimate, sentimental even, something out of place in a docking bay or barracks or (who was he kidding) one of the less reputable establishments he had occasionally frequented.

And Ren -

_It did not make sense at all._

Hux prided himself on the clarity of his thinking, and he would figure this out, he would figure _Ren_ out. He'd work with what the wretched man had told him, because that's what reasonable people do: use words.

 _Told me to look at him. Told me_ not _to look at him._

_Called me a damsel. Pushed me. Touched me._

_Kissed me._

_Came to my room in the middle of the night to_ kiss me _._

Ren _was_ like this lightsaber of his, frightfully unstable, and frightfully, frightfully _beautiful_.

"Who are you?", he whispered against Ren's lips, cautiously pulling back. "Who are you, Kylo Ren?"

Kylo, Knight of Ren, opened his eyes.

He took a shuddering breath, as if exhausted by lavishing his affection on Hux, and gave the general a smile. That smile, slightly crooked and lit by something Hux wanted to be desire, appeared for just a moment and vanished as Ren reached out and ran his hand through Hux's hair. It felt extraordinary, and not only because Hux could not remember anyone touching his hair like that, not in a long, long time.

Something _happened_ when Ren touched him.

Something happened when Ren's hand slid down to touch his temple, fingers pressing down on his skin.

He fell into flaming darkness.

Burning, _blazing_ , all-consuming dark. For a fraction of a moment his thinking was still clear enough to tell him that this was a piece of Ren's mind, this was something _within Ren_ , but then the fire took hold of him, kindling him, setting him alight and Hux screamed, screamed as he fell apart and Ren held fast, fist curled in the lapel of Hux's blue pajamas, holding his body in place. Forcing him to see, to _feel_ , watching him fall into the gaping void, away from fire and flames into the coldness of space. Holding him, yet, as Hux shivered uncontrollably in the deadly cold and finally, Ren let got, let the general pull away, tear himself from Ren's touch as if out of a vise. And Hux fell, this time for real, collapsing on his knees, panting with shock.

Ren had moved away when he looked up again, giving Hux room to collect himself. _Literally_.

He pushed himself from the floor, hands almost stiff with imaginary cold. His voice came out hoarse.

"I suppose that warrants another drink."

Ren sat on the sofa, legs crossed, but there was nothing of his usual fierce arrogance. If anything, he seemed embarrassed when Hux returned with a bottle and fresh glasses.

"Forgive me", he said softly. "I was uncertain if it was even possible to let you see."

"Let me see what? This murderous - _insanity_?"

Ren could not help smiling. "My heart", he said.

"That's a big word." Hux poured their drinks, noticed his hands were shaking. He tried not to look at Ren's face. "I realise that force users tend to be melodramatic at times."

"You asked me a question. I answered it."

_Point taken._

Hux downed his own drink in one gulp and poured himself another. "Did you think this display would scare me off?"

"No. I thought you would be intrigued."

"By your heart?"

Ren actually _blushed_ , dark crimson spreading over his cheekbones. He said nothing, though, they sat in silence and Hux, cradling his drink, thought that yes, indeed, he was intrigued, he was so far into this labyrinth that was Kylo Ren he had no desire to find the way out.

"I cannot get away from you", he said softly. "I suspect that – I suspect I do not want to, really."

"What do you want, then?"

Ren's eyes, _oh force_ , Ren's eyes all but _burning_ into his own, painfully intense, and Hux had to look away lest that radiant darkness scar him forever. He set down his glass, steading himself. And then words bubbled out of him like bubbles from champagne, he was good at speeches, even in this.

"I want you, Kylo Ren. I want to taste that fire and ice and anything you have in store. Burn me. Freeze me. _Anything_. I want to know who you are, and you – you will know about me. You just put your hand against my head and pull my secrets out kicking and screaming. I do not mind. And yes, I want to fuck you, I want you on your knees and I want to kneel before you, and if kissing is all you ask of me, fine, I'll kiss you for the rest of my life. Just tell me to. Just _make_ me."

Ren lifted his head, his eyes fluttering shut as he let out a long, shaking breath. "Yes", he said finally, "I'll make you. I promise."

 

It was the most amazing thing to undress Kylo Ren, to peel away the heavy layer of his woolen robe and the stiff, wax-coated armour that covered him to his knees. Underneath it, Hux found a light tunic stuffed less-than-ceremoniously into leather pants and Hux ripped it out, eagerly pushing it up to touch Ren's belly, his hand ghosting over taut muscles and soft curly hair as his fingers dipped into the waistband. Ren laughed at Hux's eagerness, but he would not lie still, would not kick off his boots, and then they fought for the upper hand _,_ half in earnest, half in jest. Hux was actually good at this, he had always been good at hand-to-hand combat, but Ren had the advantage of size. For a moment, he pinned Hux down, his hand on his chest, playing along the crisp lapel of Hux's pajama jacket. Then he brought up his hand and Hux _winced_ , jerking his head away, stopping Ren in his tracks. A sudden memory had flashed up in Hux's thoughts, making him tremble, even as Ren's hand came to rest gently against his throat.

"I'm sorry", Ren whispered. "What happened?"

Hux shook his head. It was only a memory, come and gone, but Ren pulled back his hand, uncertain, hesitant. Hux took his chance, straightening up, throwing Ren off balance as he gripped his shoulders and Ren was on his back, giving in, losing gracefully. Hux straddled him, leaning forward. "Careful, Ren." He pulled at the man's tunic, pushing it up over his head and Ren moaned softly when Hux ran his hands over his chest. He could not help noticing, then, the pale scars that marked Ren's skin, some like burns that made him think of that infernal lightsaber, some pocked like traces of blaster fire. All strangely _distinct_ , as if the bearer had kept them for a purpose.

"Admiring me?"

"You don't get much sunlight, do you?"

"I like pale things." Ren reached up around Hux's waist, pulling him down to him. Whispering into Hux's ear. "Get rid of that jacket." Hux fumbled for a moment, then pushed his pajama jacket off and Ren's hands were moving all over his back and shoulders, tracing the shape of his neck and arms. "You know what? I get hard when I look at you. Did anyone ever say that to you, general?"

"No", Hux said truthfully. He smiled. "Not on this ship, at least."

"Good. I'd have killed him."

"Show me."

"What? – _Oh_." There was it again, the sweet crimson blush on Ren's face. He reached for his fly, unbuttoning it, wriggling out of his pants just enough to free his cock. Gasping when Hux took hold of it, hard, trapping it in his fist. Sliding up and down and Ren _whimpered_. The sound was enough to make Hux's pants uncomfortably tight and he tugged them down, stretching out on top of Ren, pushing their cocks together.

"You're perfect", he whispered against Ren's cheek, "just perfect."

 

They were lying across Hux's bed, lights down, darkness around them.

"I scared you", Ren said quietly. "I did not mean to."

"Not you. Never you."

"There was something, though. I could almost see –"

Hux bit his lip, but the image came back unbidden, appeared in his mind so clear, so strong that it transferred to Ren without him looking for it.

 _A thin, red-haired boy, standing on tip-toe to examine his face in the mirror. Touching a hand to his swollen upper lip_. _Coughing, retching,_ _spitting blood into the sink before him._

Hux had his eyes closed. "He knocked me out a few times when I was little. Just punched too hard."

"Your father. Commandant Hux." Ren hesitated, but he pronounced the name with a certain respect. "He wanted to teach you something."

"Yes", said Hux. "He was always teaching me. I was just another recruit for him."

"But that's what fathers do, right? Fathers, masters, that's what they do. Teach you. Make you stronger."

Hux was laughing, deep and dark, but he did not open his eyes. "He wanted a different son, that's all. I don't remember much besides."

"You remember standing in front of that mirror."

"I do. I lost a tooth that day." He looked up, surprised how close Ren was to him, propped up on his elbow, leaning in to study Hux's face.

"My father never taught me anything", Ren said darkly. "Yours was – difficult, I can see that. But he made you what you are. He must be so proud of you."

"He is dead", Hux said, and registered with satisfaction that his father's death meant nothing to him anymore. Not sadness, not relief, not even emptiness. "And he never showed me anything but contempt."

Ren lay down beside him again, very still.

"Hux", he said after a while.

"No more talk about our fathers. Ever."

Ren turned to him, his fingers lightly dancing across Hux's forehead, along his nose, across his lips.

"You're not that boy", he said gravely, "not anymore. And you're safe." His palm touched Hux's throat. "You're safe with me", he whispered. And then, without Ren's fingers actually pressing down, Hux felt his throat constrict, gently at first, then tighter, choking him in the most _pleasant_ manner imaginable. He was gasping, helplessly, tears welling up in his eyes as he felt himself get hard under Ren's strange ministrations. And then, as he could breathe again and sucked in air through his mouth, his lips were closed almost instantly by Ren's kiss.

"Again", Hux whispered. He looked into Ren's eyes, strangely veiled, trembling under his distant gaze. "Again."

Ren's hand was hovering over his throat, sending that mysterious power, that unfathomable _force_ to choke him, tightly, but not painfully, and Hux came, _oh he came_ , shuddering, satisfied, _sated_ , without Kylo Ren ever touching him.

 

He had almost drifted off into sleep when he heard Ren's voice through the dark. He spoke slowly, warily, one word placed cautiously after the other and Hux knew better than to interrupt.

"I had a dream tonight", Ren said. "A strange dream, Hux, before I came to see you. It was a dream‑" His voice trailed off. "Are you awake?"

Hux reached out to touch Ren's hand. Their fingers intertwined.

"I dreamed of my master tonight", Ren said. "I am in doubt."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So - if you got this far, I take it you found something interesting in this fic^^  
> Let me know what you think. I'd love to hear from you.  
> And thanks so much for staying with me on this trip!


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